"But let us be true to love, and let us grow in all things toward him who is the head, Christ.
16 From him the whole body is knit together and held together by every joint that nourishes the body with the power that is allotted to each part. Thus the body grows and edifies itself in love. (Ephesians 4:15-16, Elb.)
" I am crucified with Christ. 20 I live, yet now not I, but Christ lives in me. For what I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me." (Galatians 2:20 Elb.)
"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? 17 If anyone destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy - that is you." (1 Corinthians 3:16 Elb.)
"For you have not received a spirit of bondage[5], again to fear, but a spirit of sonship you have received, in which we cry out: Abba[6], Father! 16 The Spirit itself bears witness ⟨together⟩ with our spirit that we are children of God. 17 But if children, then heirs also, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in suffering, that we may also be glorified." (Rom. 8:15 Elb.)
"But we all, with unveiled face, behold the glory of the Lord[5] and are ⟨so⟩ transformed into the same image from glory to glory, as ⟨it⟩ is of the Lord the Spirit⟨."
(2 Corinthians 3:18 Elb.)My dear friends, dear followers,
There are many dark hours of musing about these Bible passages in my life.
To be honest, I don't think I'm as alone in this as I always seem to be when our own thoughts take us captive and we don't quite know how to handle them.
In addition, there are many already almost threatening interpretations that can fill us with an unspeakable fear, because our primal fear is probably that we will have to give ourselves up completely, that we will merge into some kind of spiritual collective, that we will cease- to be.
No, that's not what people usually talk about.
It is rather that one secretly grits one's teeth, because everyone says that this is absolutely desirable, to be a part of the bride of Christ, of his body. To be used by him, to be his property, to live him instead of us.
"But what," it whispers fearfully, "is the matter with me, Lord? Am I now, since you live in me, are my only object, a kind of carafe, a vessel only that you use for your purpose?"
Often the attempt follows - at least it was like that for me for a long time - to say: "He has proved his love to me long ago! I must be content with the grace of being able to be part of him, that is only my ego!"
But the problem was: a part of me remained sad. Yes, I was willing to lay it all down for Jesus, that wasn't the point. But all those promises- he gives them to everyone. What I was missing was the feeling of being valuable to Him as me, myself- not as part of a collective.
And I pondered over that. Many hours. "How does this fit together, Lord? That I put myself aside to serve you? What happens when I release the last inner emergency brake and surrender myself completely to you? And why-why does this frighten me? "
Surrender, letting go, handing over your life is easier said than done.
We all know these trust exercises that are often played in community building and team seminars: "Close your eyes, and let yourself fall backwards." Without seeing anything. Without knowing if you'll actually be caught. There are many people for whom this is an absolute horror of a loss of control that makes them flee.
I've spent the last few years on an extended sabbatical. It came about that way, it was necessary, and it was like an inner altar call that I answered. I wanted to heal, to understand, to see clearly. I wanted only- Jesus. Everything else out, please, let everything else be silent!
At some point during this time, I said to Jesus:
"I can't do what you're asking me to do, Lord. It is as if you are asking me to lie down on the air and trust that I can fly. That the invisible carries me and does not let me fall. Without a safety net, without a foothold. I am afraid. You're asking something of me that my broken primal trust just won't give."
Has that changed? Yes and yes- to the extreme that today I trust him more than all worldly circumstances. And significantly, that was a realization I want to share with you today.
It is true that as long as we hold on to, clutch and externalize our own interpretation of who we are, we often run into nothingness.
What did I not want to be, what did I not strive for in my life!
And how often in the end I came to the realization that I could not fill the role, failed at myself, as if I were trapped in a job that I could probably do, but that contradicted me at my core, made me wait restlessly for the end of work, in which I could not be myself!
At some point I went for a walk with Jesus, because of open questions, of doubts and fears, and I complained, about the fact that if I entrust myself to him, completely, yes, I give up my right to have a say. And that I am afraid, terribly afraid, that the place he is taking me to will make me despair, perhaps also rob me of all my wishes and desires.
A quiet voice inside me, so familiar, asked, "Do you think you won't like the clothes I choose for you? Do you think I'll change you into someone you don't want to be?"
It was a shock to me, because if I was honest with Jesus, that was exactly my fear- lack, deprivation, sorrow for what I had lost- and that he would change me into something I myself was not at all and never wanted to be. It was a fear of being dissolved like chocolate in a water bath. To wear clothes that would turn me into someone completely different.
And a memory came back at the same moment:
A day, one of the very rare ones, when my so distant father promised to take me shopping. I suffered terribly from bullying as a welfare child, and it was an extra gift- from my father, who was now married to another woman.
Alone- the day was a disappointment.
I didn't choose the clothes, my father did. I was 13 years old and had my ideas of what I loved. But he chose what he liked and dressed me like a mannequin.
Jesus said, "I would never do that. Don't you trust that I know you better than you know yourself?"
These are questions we must face if we are to embrace the mystery, the great incomprehensible, that we are actually crucified in Christ, that he actually and really lives in us, that we are actually transformed by him.
What we need to understand, to really trust, is that he is also the one who conceived the design, and that there are many, many aspects of us that may be suppressed or misdirected, overshadowed or repressed-but that he still sees the image of us clearly.
And we notice who we are:
We know if we are creative, if we are actually more structured, from the heart. We know what moves us in our innermost being: whether we are justice seekers, whether we can't stop thinking about relationship, whether we are peace seekers- or whether we have our heart in the right teaching. We know exactly where our character strengths lie, whether we are sociable, whether we have a sense of humor, whether we need inner freedom or feel most comfortable in fixed structures.
But we have learned to be what others wanted us to be:
We have bent ourselves beyond recognition to be loved, we have given up dreams and buried our potentials. Some try to be a toaster that wants to make coffee. A flower that produces ears of corn- and never, never are we enough for ourselves (and others), it seems.
When Jesus looks at you, He sees exactly where you are trying to be someone you are not. He sees exactly why it is so. And it hinders him from fully developing in you, from fully taking you into his service. It makes him lament that you want to be someone other than who or what you are, because he was the one who determined where, how, and for what you live, invented, artfully wove.
He wants to express Himself through you as you really are, and He will guide you into your real being, into the original version of who (or who!) you were designed to be. He will clear your name, and flood all areas of your life with His healing.
But to do this, you must allow Him to express Himself through you. Not yourself, not your own spirit- but him. He will glorify himself through you, he will occupy his temple and shine in his splendor.
That Christ lives in you does not mean that you are Christ.
That Christ lives in you does not mean that you must dissolve. It means that he leads you into perfection-if only you let him. He sets you free from all entanglements, wrong ways, everything you believe about yourself that is not true. And yes, sometimes he will take something from you that you thought was irreplaceable. That you saw as belonging so tightly to you that you clutched it convulsively.
But in other places he will strengthen you and bring to the fore that which you are good at. And rejoice in what you are becoming. And the good thing is: You are completely recognized: You are perfectly understood. You will be happy about things you didn't even know you were good at. You will be happy about moments that you did not expect or even imagine.
And your message, that where your gift is- lies buried under those debris where you cry out for help to an almighty God who creates beauty from ashes.
Do not be afraid to surrender. Do not be afraid that Jesus wants to make you someone you are not. It is not true. He alone is the truth that will flood you-truth about you. He alone is life, and the more you are transformed, the more alive, free, joyful, and blessed you will become.
What Paul equates with the "body of Christ" we would perhaps equate with a company today: A company that only functions when each person does exactly what he or she is best at: and no member functions without the other.
Let it sink in:
You do not dissolve. You are being glorified by Jesus alone. You will reflect his glory, his original creation. You will be a part of his company, his people, not a slave, not a servant, but a child of God. And everything he will give you is so full of splendor and so perfectly attuned to you that the struggles will be over.
But to whom is the praise due for such a diverse, perfect, glorified masterpiece in so many facets, in so many colors, so different and yet united by the same spirit?
Only He who does not tear down the temple once again, but builds it up, Jesus Christ, Son of God and returning King for eternity.
And the temple that is being built up is you.
What a promise and what an inheritance.
Fly. The air will carry you.
Be blessed,
Sibyl/Daughter of Zion.
Sources:
The Bible. Elberfelder translation, quoted here from: www.bibleserver.com
Photo: Pixabay lechenie-narkomanii. thx.
Worship: Michael W. Smith : "Breathe"-live/ "Worship forever 2021".