My dear friends, dear followers,
I lived for a while as a single in a small apartment with thin walls. A couple lived next door, separated only by a thin wall.
I have rarely seen couples argue more intensely than these two: At regular intervals I first heard plates flying through the apartment, then loud shouting, raging - and then I became - inevitably - an unwanted witness to passionate reconciliation sex. Regularly, over and over again, the same pattern:
Conflict- Argument- Sex.
Well, I'm a pretty open-minded, humorous person, so I didn't pick up the phone to have the police shame this couple over and over again for disturbing the peace. I reacted with a broad grin, sometimes a little annoyed, and thought: "Aha, here we go again. Well, sort it out between you two."
Reconciliation sex. What a phenomenon! And why is it that married couples (at least I like to assume that the latter is the preferred option in Christian circles) settle their conflicts in bed?
I find this fascinating, and I believe that there is much more to this than just the physical release of tension and conflict.
If we are honest, it is extremely common for conflicts between men and women to take on a sexual component. I just believe that what attracts us, what leads to entanglements between us, can at some point become so intense that it creates a natural tension that manifests itself physically. As Christians, we therefore tend to avoid entanglements with people of the opposite sex - because we don't want to "fall in love", we want to be faithful to our spouses, we want so much that we would rather avoid getting into dangerous waters.
The problem is:
By doing this, we also avoid the two missions, views and perspectives uniting on a spiritual level. If we avoid deep communication and the touching of hearts, then we do not learn what one side has to offer and what serves the other. And we avoid any form of real engagement with what can arise from this.
God's principles permeate all levels of our being. The Bible speaks of birth pangs, God giving birth to life and begetting it - and we say when we have completed a new project that it has been "born". Our spiritual life is permeated with images such as begetting, giving birth, growing, nurturing, being nurtured, and just as we shamefully turn up the music when the neighbors are having unbridled sex, we too avoid what we often see asto condemn - the "animalistic and carnal and unclean and unholy and filthy, shameful" dance of the sexes.
I have no idea what God was thinking when he linked the creation of new life with sex. Frankly not!
And yes, just as births do not correspond to the Pampers advert with the radiant, perfectly made-up (and fit and slim again!) mother, but are permeated with sweat, bodily fluids, blood, loss of control, pain and an almost overwhelming strength of the woman giving birth who is fighting with the new life, he has also made sex between men and women into a mixture of everything that we try to hide behind well-made facades: nakedness, wildness, loss of control, sensuality and ecstasy, fighting, devotion and submission that we can no longer control. The battle of the sexes, however, always ends with the same principles - devotion and leadership. The willingness to conceive and the willingness to procreate.
Why am I bringing up this topic? It is a brave act to do this in the prudishness of the Christian scene! It is a scandalous breach of taboo!
Because it connects us all, whether we want it or not .
And because I see two things in the fear of confronting this issue: cowardly avoidance and a wall of false holiness. It separates our spiritual life from the worldly one - on all levels. But this makes it barren in the truest sense of the word.
Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is passionate about Jesus. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is aware of her own strength in Him and puts it at His service. Women who do not allow themselves to be silenced and step out of their shadowy existence as wallflowers are radiant, lively, powerful and life-giving.
Women who confront their power with that of men can encourage them to grow.
It is often said - and it is true - that men are "afraid of strong women who stand up to them". The reactions to this are catastrophic: women are beaten, humiliated, excluded, ignored, raped, belittled. These are fear reactions, the fear of being attacked in one's own position. In communities, the reaction is often to sideline them in unimportant positions, to sort them out and determine that the book table and making coffee are the only appropriate positions for rebellious women - a spiral of violence that is unleashed here.
Men who are afraid to confront the strength, knowledge and deep emotional intelligence of women are insecure in themselves. Those who feel threatened in their own authority, who refuse to grow, look in the mirror of their own inadequacy and insist on their God-given right to dictate through oppression and the exercise of power. But dictating and oppressing are not gifts of leadership.
Confrontation. We don't like it. We prefer to avoid it.
Wherever we see potential for conflict, our natural instinct is to retreat. Right now, as I write this article, I feel the need to retreat back into cover.
Often, conflict resolution is equated with argumentativeness and we are reminded that as Christians we should ultimately be peacemakers. Yes, that is true: but avoiding confrontation is not making peace, it is maintaining a false sense of peace. This applies to our relationship with God as well as to each other. A peacemaker is someone who brings things to the table, not someone who sweeps them under the carpet in the hope that they will never be noticed. A peacemaker is someone who brings opposing, different positions into consensus. A peacemaker takes on the process of argument in order to ultimately see the new growth in the quintessence for the moment. Everything else means stagnation, alienation and the feeling of not being seen.
Men and women. Especially in the Christian scene we are like fire and water.
More and more women are raising their voices and saying that things cannot continue like this. They are encountering rigid leaders who are not willing to promote their own growth.
But how can the confrontation become fruitful?
I did puppet theater for a while. We often had an audience that constantly disrupted our performance. Five-year-olds who would interrupt the main character's play, "Quelli, the fire salamander," in the middle of it with "Quelli, you know what? I went swimming yesterday!"
The answer on how to deal with this came from my theater colleague:
You take the energy they throw at you and throw it back at them.
You basically take the argument that is thrown at you, the need, and integrate it into your own strength and reflect it back - with your own power and role. To do this, you have to grow beyond yourself. You can't carry on playing the piece in the old way."
In confrontation this means: You accept that there is a conflict here.
And you seek unity. You discuss things. You don't back down.
You don't reject it, but you represent your position, taking the other person's position into account. This changes your perspective and that of your counterpart - you grow together, instead of being taken over by control or rejecting your own truth by giving in.
And that is exactly what men and women do during reconciliation sex, and why it is so lively, so good, so heated: It is a fight, and it is a dance. It is a desire to understand, and it is resistance. And at best it ends in a reconciliatory, powerful conclusion that is fruitful and satisfying for both sides.
Arguments and conflict can then become inspiring, captivating and highly attractive,
when both sides - men and women - are aware of their own power and truth in Jesus, and they strive for unity in the different perceptions and hearts that we have been given.
The prerequisite, however, is that men do not feel threatened by women, but rather accept their wisdom, power and life in order to become even stronger in their own strengths. Leading a mass of submissive, undefined, dead hearts with self-doubts is not an art.
The trick is to get a woman to take her arguments seriously, to let her touch you, to grow with her - and to reflect back the strength gained from this without seeing your own power in danger. This shows true male strength that is reliable. This is the true art of leadership that women can trust.
As Christians, we should never underestimate the fundamental principles that God has given us: the experience, the implementation and the deep truth that permeates all areas of our lives.
So am I now recommending make-up sex as the last resort?
If it helps you, please have fun!
No, what I recommend is not to see conflict as a threat, but as a dance. A dance that pleases both hearts and whose vitality is bubbling over. Sometimes conflict is what brings new life - because it carries the message:
"It's important to me who you are. It's important to me to get along with you. And I want to be understood by you. But above all, I want to be able to live what Jesus has given me. With you by my side. "
Be blessed, men and women.
Be blessed, married couples.
Sibyl/Daughter of Zion.
Sources: The Bible in indirect quotation
Photo: Pixabay Photo: Kalhh, thanx
Song: Steven Curtis Chapman "I will be here"